Feeling is not doing

We are often afraid of our anger, that feeling anger means we should be guilty. But what have you done by feeling it? Nothing. Feeling is not doing.

We frequently get feeling and acting mixed up as though feeling angry means we have been aggressive. Let’s get a few things straight. Anger is a feeling and aggression is an action or words. One is interior (anger), and the other is exterior (aggression).

The feelings we have are a normal part of being a human being. They are a physiological response we have to experience and so are an integral part of relating with other people, the world around us and our own inner experience.

Take for example, the sadness we have when we lose a person we love in death. This is a normal reaction and not something pathological. We grieve because we have lost someone we loved. The grief is an indicator of the depth of love in us for that person. In this way sadness is to be welcomed because as painful as it is, it is never the last word. Love is.

Often when we have lost someone in death there is also anger toward the loved person. So we feel sadness and anger and love, all mixed in or one after the other in close succession. This can be confusing and cause guilt in us as if we are being unfaithful to the person by being angry with them. We feel what we feel – no judgment. It just is. if you feel angry about them leaving you in death or for any other reason then that is what you feel. Once you feel it deeply enough you can get to the bottom of why you feel angry. Just give yourself enough time to feel all of it without loading it up with judgments.

Keep it simple. Feelings are OK because they are a natural process we experience as much as breathing is a natural process. Feelings are like our emotional skin to the world.

If we let feelings be themselves, feelings will come and go. I often hear people say (as a justification for not crying) “If I start I won’t stop”. This is not sadness talking, it is anxiety. Anxiety that you will be out of control if you let yourself feel sad. So we avoid it. This has the makings of depression if we sit on our feelings and won’t let them be felt.

This brings me to my last point. Experiencing is not expressing. This is the difference between anger and aggression. Anger is an experience, and aggression is an expression of the angry feeling. I am encouraging you to experience rather than express your anger or whatever other feelings you have

Notice in yourself how you relate with your own feelings. How much anxiety do you have about experiencing (not expressing) your feelings? Give yourself close attention so you notice the physical experiences that make up your feelings. This means practicing self-monitoring, or self-observation. If you don’t do it naturally, you may have to learn to do it by practicing is regularly, daily and just notice your inner sensations. What do I feel right now?



Anti-depression habits to support your wellbeing

Are you dragging yourself round and saying to yourself, What is wrong with me? Pull it together!”.

As Christmas comes around we can think we have to feel the ’joy of the season’ if the advertising is to be believed. However, some of us do not feel joyful or even neutral. In fact we can feel blue and down in our mood and for no apparent reason.

Since beyondblue made depression better known in our community more people have a better understanding that feeling down or blue or low in your mood for extended periods is not the normal way we should.

Depression is much more common today than it was in the community 50 years ago. Even though we are more likely to talk about it today than we did 50 years ago, more people are experiencing signs of depression.

Depression is often misunderstood so let’s be clear about what it is and what it is not. A diagnosis of depression will be made if mood is low for at least two weeks, if your self-esteem is low, you are extra critical of yourself, you feel unreasonably guilty, you have feelings of being worthless, you have no energy and feel lethargic, your appetite has increased or decreased, you can’t concentrate, your sleep is poor, you have trouble getting to sleep, you wake repeatedly, and/or you wake early, you have lost weight without intending to, or you find yourself thinking about suicide.

If you more than one of these signs you should contact your GP to speak about it. Perhaps a friend may have spoken to you about changes they have noticed in you. Depression is often not recognized by ourselves but can be noticed by others around us.

Depression is not sadness. Feeling sad is a normal part of life. Depression is not normal.

Feeling like this can be very unpleasant and sometimes painful to feel so low in your mood. It is best to go to your GP and have them ask you a series of questions to establish what the possible causes may be and how life is for you right now.

It is important to remember that sometimes depression happens for no particular reason. There may be an interaction between the events in our life and the personal history or our biology that causes a change in the chemical levels that shape how we feel about ourselves, our life, future and others.

Treatment is often a combination of medication and psychotherapy. For mild depression psychotherapy alone may be sufficient to relieve the low mood and other signs.

However, when depression becomes more severe it is important to use the tools at hand that have proven effective. The evidence suggests that medication plus psychotherapy is the most effective way to treat symptoms of low mood and other signs of depression and to ensure that you do not have further problems in the future. This is called relapse prevention.

There are some strategies that can be useful for all of us in preventing depression. First, pay attention to yourself – do not neglect yourself. Be aware of your mood. How do you feel right now? Most of us do not have a clue and so become alarmed when we notice we are feeling low.

Second, exercise regularly. Exercise has been shown to have a beneficial effect on mood. Several times a week go out of your house and walk at a pace that makes your heart go a little faster. Some say “walk like you’re late”. For 20 minutes three times a week. Check it with your doctor before you walk if you have medical conditions that concern you.

Third, socialize. Have at least one conversation, however brief, each day. This keeps you connected to others. If you don’t feel like doing it, make yourself do it. Form the habit. Do it every day for six weeks and it will become a habit.

These are anti-depressive habits to support your wellbeing.

7 rules for mental health at Christmas

What is Christmas dinner like at your place? Advertisers would have us believe we need a full table, happy smiling people all the time, all decked out in the latest clothes and having a wonderful time. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately you might say, the real family Christmas is often far from that fantasy.

Christmas is different things to each of us and there is no one right way to celebrate this time of the year. It is often when we place unrealistic expectations on ourselves that we end up creating tension, anxiety, depression and withdrawal for ourselves and difficulties between us and those we love.

Expecting it to all go smoothly and have no difficulties means we can be overwhelmed when it doesn’t go to plan.

So Rule #1 is to keep your expectations realistic. This can avoid much anxiety and depression that can occur because we don’t met these unrealistic expectations. Family dinners are often tense times and just because you have arguments around the table because someone did not bring the food they were to bring doesn’t make it all a failure.

Rule #2. Life is not black or white, it is often very colourful and mottled. At Christmas, it can be easy to think in terms of fantastic or dreadful. Keep it within reasonable bounds and remember that life is varied and it is normal for life to be complex and colourful.

Rule #3 is that just having one problem does not make Christmas a failure. Just because the turkey didn’t come out the way you wanted or you didn’t get the presents you wanted or Aunt Joan cannot come for Christmas, doesn’t make it a failure. This can help you keep it in proportion and not become catastrophic in your thinking.

Rule #4 is be prepared to let others help you. Do not try to do it all yourself. Being a martyr for the cause is not going to make Christmas any more enjoyable and probably will make it tense for those around you as you try to cope and possibly unpleasant as they deal with your tension. Engage others to do things to help you prepare so it is a team effort.

Rule #5 is make a list of what needs to be done so you can be organized and plan ahead. This makes for a calmer environment for everyone and those around you can be involved in doing what needs to be done in a timely way.

Or offer to help the hosts. This can give you a sense of inclusion and no doubt your hosts will be very grateful.

Rule #6 stay in the present. Avoid flying off into the future in your thoughts about Christmas and worrying about details and events that have not yet happened. Stay in the present. If it has not yet happened it needn’t take up your mind.

Rule #7 think about what you can control and avoid worrying about what you cannot. If you cannot control the outcome of something don’t worry about it. Other people are responsible. If you take over it makes other people less responsible and in the end, less accountable. You doing it all, only makes others more childlike around you, instead of more adult and equals. If you want cooperation you must give people responsibility.

In the end remember, there are no rules!!

Psychotherapy at McCarthy Psychology Centre

People who may benefit from therapy with Bernie McCarthy may present with the following conditions:

  • Anxiety (panic, agoraphobia, OCD, generalised worry, phobias, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
  • Depression
  • Medically unexplained symptoms (MUS) including chest pain, back pain, jaw pain, headaches and migraines, skin conditions including psoriasis and eczema, reflux and bowel disturbance
  • Eating disorders
  • Personality disorders
  • Fibromyalgia
  • Chronic fatigue
  • Transient cognitive disturbances such visual blurring, going blank, mental confusion
  • Relationship distress and life changes
  • Grief
  • Many of the above conditions will present with co-morbid depression/ anxiety.

For more information on the approach Bernie uses in therapy please click on the link here.


13years +


First session is a trial therapy of two hours – fee is $400.00 (out of pocket $275.50). Subsequent sessions 50-60 mins – fee is $215.00 (out of pocket $90.50).

Medicare rebates under Better Outcomes for Mental Health program


Monday to Friday 9am to 6pm


For appointments call 0408 145 819.



Anxiety gets you three ways

Anxiety is often assumed to be palpitations, dry mouth and shortness of breath. But your anxiety may not look like this. It can also be experienced in a range of other ways that may not look like the anxiety we know from the movies or scaremongering 6.30pm TV shows.

Anxiety affects us in three ways. The first of these ways is physically in the superficial muscles of our body including the chest muscles, arms and legs, neck, shoulders and back, and of course head. When adrenaline floods the system in response to perceptions of threat, these large superficial muscles contract in readiness for action. If we live with chronic anxiety it can cause us to develop lower back problems, neck, jaw, teeth and head aches, and sometimes migraines associated with stress. Many people presenting to physiotherapy practices have anxiety induced physical pain.

The chest pain we experience can often cause us to think we are having a heart attack. It is extremely important that you check this out with your GP or specialist so you eliminate this possibility. If after you have explored this and there is no medical explanation it may be worth considering if you have strong chest pain because of stress.

A common problem when anxiety affects people in this way is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS). It is by no means the only reason but it can make us extremely tired and lethargic. Effectively we become too tired to function and the anxiety causes us to withdraw and in some cases curl up on the couch. Rest becomes a priority and in time the symptoms can become the main aspect we build our life around

The second way anxiety can show itself in our bodies is in our smooth muscles of our gastrointestinal tract. . These are the intestinal muscles that move food down and around our oesophagus stomach and bowel.. Have you noticed that when you get nervous you can sometimes hear your stomach gurgling, or even feel nauseous? Some people do vomit and have trouble keeping food down when they are very anxious.

In the stomach and oesophagus the anxiety causes the release of stomach acid which in large quantities can pass up into the oesophagus causing a burning commonly known as ‘heartburn’, which is very painful.

A common bowel problem that is affected by anxiety is Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). Stress makes the symptoms worse and can compound the physical difficulties by making people uncomfortable about socializing where they may not be close enough to a toilet. Often there has never been any toilet accident in the past but the fear of it is enough to make people avoid social situations altogether.

Other bowel issues include pain and discomfort, gas, diarrhoea and constipation.

The third way anxiety can cause us discomfort is not as obvious as the first two ways. It is known as Cognitive Perceptual Disturbance (CPD).

This type of anxiety can affect your memory, thinking and perception. Memory problems are fairly common at all ages, not just as you get older.

Stress causes some of us to forget, to have difficulty concentrating, and in some extreme cases to simply blank out. Some clients have moments of not being able to remember where they are or to have forgotten what we spent the session talking about if stress was too high for them during the session. Some people will report being dizzy and unable to stand without assistance when highly stressed.

Thinking can also be affected. Some will report having ‘cloudy’, confused thinking. Others will report being unable to concentrate on the voice of a person who is making them anxious.

Disturbances of perception can also occur when anxiety becomes very high. This can take the form of visual blurring, or visual snow. Hearing can be impaired for brief periods making the person unable to hear clearly. Tinnitus is also made worse by stress.

So you can see that stress can affect us in many different ways. Psychotherapy is designed to assist you to recognise the signs of anxiety/stress for what they are. Too many times we hear of people attending Emergency Rooms (ER) with chest pain or crippling stomach pain only to find they have no physical reason for the experience. Canadian figures suggest 50% of presentations to ER with gastrointestinal pain are due to anxiety/stress. This is high cost to the person and to the medical and hospital system.

Psychotherapy can help!

Appreciative Inquiry as a new method of response to behavioural and emotional difficulties in dementia

What could we do in dementia care if we were not focused on problems and deficits, but focused on what the person can still do and wants to? Have we become so focused on what is wrong with the person that we forget who they are, who they can be?

I don’t know about you but if I am surrounded by people who love me and appreciate me for who I am I am a better person than if I am surrounded by people who are not interested in me or have misconceptions of me. What is it like for the person with dementia who maybe can’t use words to understand and communicate their own feelings and experience anymore?

Most ‘behavior management’ (don’t like that term anymore) is focused on what is wrong, the problem caused to others. Usually the person themselves is regarded as the problem by the time a professional is called in to ‘solve’ the problem for them. This loses sight of the person and who they are disappears under the weight of negativity, frustration and judgments about the person.

I suggest we may  be better to go in a different direction. Let’s look to Appreciative Inquiry.

Appreciative Inquiry focuses on approaching  organizational change from a standpoint that the organization is a “solution designed in its own time to meet a challenge or satisfy a need of society” (Cooperrider and Whitney, 2005). This approach focuses on what is working well and effective in organizations rather than on seeing the organization as a problem to be solved. In this way I think we can approach the individual person as a solution designed in its own time to meet a challenge or satisfy a need. This is indeed what the human brain is constantly trying to do. It is trying to work out how to survive, how to make sense of the massive inputs it receives from the world around it so that it can keep the person alive long enough to pass its genes onto another human being. The desire to stay alive is phenomenally strong in the human being.

As the human being faces the threat of diminishment by a condition that destroys the very organ that is designed to keep it alive, the human being goes into survival and responds to this by seeking out attachments, by fighting or fleeing, by behaving in ways that make perfect sense as efforts to ‘make sense’ of the confusing world and to simply survive.

Traditionally in modern dementia care we take a psychiatric approach in response to this range of actions that people engage in when threatened with annihilation. We call it a symptom of an illness (Behavioural and Psychological Symptoms of Dementia – BPSD) and medicalise the normal reaction into an abnormal sign of illness; and ‘disturbed’, or challenging’ or disruptive’ all of which says more about its effect on us and our perceptions of it than anything about the behaviour itself. We gather evidence of this problem and label it aggressive, wandering, repetitive, vocalising, mood swings, agitation, or attention seeking, or manipulative, or clinging. And then we medicate it away because if it is a symptom then medical solutions are called for. So we use psychotropics to modify the person so they don’t do these behaviours. The unfortunate side effects that we tolerate are sedation and confusion, dull emotions and slowness. But its a small price to pay for peace and quite, isn’t it?

Appreciative Inquiry uses 4Ds as a process: Discovery, Dream, Design, and Destiny. Lets look at each a little as they might be applied to an individual ‘behaviour management’ issue.

Discovery:We seek to understand the situation by engaging all stakeholders to articulate the strengths and best approaches to responding to this person. In this way the person can begin to come alive in our minds and the ‘problem” can diminish in our perceptions. What works? What is the best of what is and what has been in this person and our time with them? Let’s ask what is working in this person’s life right now that we want to maintain? What is going well? What are the threads or aspects of this person’s life that they and we want to maintain? What does the person say is going on for them, from their point of view? Rather than focus on  the ‘problem behaviour’ let’s focus on the success this person has in functioning in the face of a condition that undermines their very confidence in their own perceptions and memory for reality.

Dream: What is it we want? What is the result we want here if this is what is working for the person and for us? What is this person calling us to do and be with them? What do they need from us?

Design: Create ‘possibility propositions’ of the ideal relationship with this person, articulating an ideal arrangement of people, routines, relationships that we think this person is capable of engaging in and drawing upon  and magnifying the positives about the person to realise thsi ideal relationship and situation with them.

Destiny: Strengthen the affirmative capability of the situation, organisation, family, enabling it to build a hopeful and sustainable momentum for positive change and high performance of excellent human relationship.

As Cooperrider and Whitney state a crucial step in this process and centre of the process is affirmative topic choice. this is what will define and direct the process. If we remain focused on the topic as a problem for everyone we will ultimately see the person as a problem and not just what they are doing. However, if we can reframe the topic in an affirmative way the topic can become an agenda for relationship with that person, for improving their quality of life and an agenda for care actions and care planning.

Lets have a look at an example: Monique is refusing to come away from the door to the aged care home stating that she needs to go home to her mother who said she has to be home by dark or she will be in big trouble. She is packed and is not prepared to back away. Staff have been approaching her and trying to cajole, to persuade to lie to her, to bully her and most recently to threaten her and physically manhandle her in order to get her away from the door. She is not letting anyone get through the door until she gets through the door first. She doesn’t believe anyone and is firmly convinced that her view of things is correct and others are liars.

If we take an AI approach we begin with Discovery by asking what is going well in Monique’s life. What is working in her care? You might think that not much is working in her life right now and she may say the same thing. However, it is clear that she has a strong attachment if fearful to her mother. This is a positive. A child wants to please their mother by doing the right thing and right now she sees herself as a child needing to go home to satisfy her mother and so avoid trouble. Also a positive is that she has enough ego strength to resist the efforts of numerous cognitively intact people to maintain her stance. This is a positive. Her brain has not yet relinquished its ability to protect its own interests. What might be construed traditionally as resistiveness may be reframed as ego strength and capacity for relationship. We want to assist her to sustain these abilities.

Dream: We ask what we want. What is the desirable future state we want? We want the door way to be open and we want Monique to be contented and peaceful. Happy is too transient a state. Contentment may be more achievable and desirable. The other thing to do is ask what Monique wants. She clearly wants to leave in the short term. She also wants to see and be with her mother, to be attached or connected to her mother. She wants to be a good daughter, an obedient daughter with a satisfied mother who is not angry.

Design: We want to be able to create strong attachment relationships in which Monique feels safe to be angry and afraid and sad, where her emotions are acceptable and it is OK for her to be wanting her mother. We want to have people in our staff group who have the capacity to be unafraid of Monique’s rage and sadness at not being able to get what she wants and who are not overcome with fear at her rage and sadness, who can stand with her at the door and remain in relationship with her rather than pull her away. This may not heal the wound in Monique but it may contribute to a more peaceful life for her.  This is a possibility proposition. It is an ideal and it is what we work toward achieving for Monique and for us.

Destiny: We work to select and training staff who have the personal capacities and motivation to achieve our goal of an emotionally robust staff group who can stand with people in their distress and empathise and be in relationships that are equal with enough peace and enough contentment.

Appreciative Inquiry can be a useful way to reframe the current medical model of ‘behaviour management’ and the symptomology of BPSD into a more humane and affirmative, healing and hopeful approach to life with dementia.


Socio-emotional consent, sex and people with dementia

Sexual interactions and people living with dementia is a topic that causes much discussion and concern among family members and professionals who are asked to guide or support decision making about these important interactions.

For many people who live with dementia sex remains and in some cases becomes an important part of their wellbeing. They want to experience sexual interaction in some form. In addition to the issue of where the interactions occur (i.e., public situations vs private) the question that causes distress for many is that of consent. If the person is not capable of giving consent because of their diagnosis how can they be regarded as capable of saying yes to something for which we normally require the capacity to give consent?

My proposal is as follows. Although the person may not be able to give full legal consent such as required by law to sign documents or enter into contracts, they may still be able to provide what is known as implied consent. This is the type of consent recognised by law that is based on signs of the person’s behaviour and words that imply or communicate their intent or willingness to engage in the activity. The experience they have is often at an emotional level of attraction or contentment, or anxiety about being in close proximity to another person who may or may not remind them for important attachment figures such as a spouse. In this situation it is not simply sexual experience that is important but intimacy, the experience of closeness and bond that expresses love and affection. This is the social and emotional context of them being able to signal to you that they either want to be in the relationship/interaction or they do not.

The signals they give you by their behaviour are important signals of their internal willingness to participate or not. These signals may include: leaning toward the other person, moving toward the other person, relaxed posture, making and holding eye contact, touching in a relaxed or affectionate manner, smiling at the person and others while with the other person, being content with receiving touch from another, and talking in a relaxed tone and volume. These are the signals that they wish to engage or remain with the interaction. If you do not see any of these signals the interaction should be interrupted.

The signals that the person is not OK or willing to remain in the interaction may include: staring ahead, lack of verbal communication where you would expect there to be some, tense body posture or rigidity, lack of eye contact, movement away from the person, passive cooperation, tension in the voice, other overt signs of anxiety such as shaking, chest pain, headache, and trembling.

Some of the second group of signals above are indicators of freezing that are commonly associated with traumatic reaction to overwhelming experience and may indicate that the person is experiencing something overwhelming that they do not have the words to communicate to you or to the person they are with. They may freeze and show only passive cooperation and no overt signals of distress, i.e., they look calm but on further examination they may not be calm but frozen with fear. What you see is the absence of what you would expect to see if there was overt distress or pleasure. You see nothing. If all you see is calm and no signals of overt pleasure or enjoyment you should interrupt the interaction until such time as you have enough evidence to facilitate it continuing, if at all. No one has the right to impose themselves on others regardless of their diagnosis or marital status.

Some may see this move to interrupt as overbearing paternalistic control. However, the action is required by our duty of care where there is a risk to emotional wellbeing. The risks must be weighed up. What is the benefit if i facilitate this relationship by not doing anything? What is the risk if I interrupt it and one of the parties is annoyed and the other is relieved and can no relax and enjoy him/herself?

I hope this focus on socio-emotional consent and the listing of specific behavioural indicators may help in guiding people to make decisions that either facilitate in the right place or interrupt in the right place, all for the wellbeing of the people involved.

Bernie McCarthy

Check out this trailer for the new Pixar film on emotions – ‘Inside out’

The new Pixar film ‘Inside out’ is due for release on June 19th. Check out this trailer https://youtu.be/WIDYqBMFzfg It takes a marvelous look into the emotional life inside our heads and bodies that usually dumbfounds us, scares us, makes us defensive, simply overwhelmed. These same emotions can allow us to come close to others, live satisfying lives and understand the inner life of each other.

Check out this fantastic effort to make our emotional life understandable. I imagine this gem of a film might be enjoyed by the adults as much as the children.